I Feel like I am never good at starting things. I never seem to know where to begin. I’m sitting here wondering what to say, and how to say it. In order to complete my thoughts. Relaying the message I wish.
I have started blogs before. A few went for a while but in the end they dwindle out. Never reaching the goal I had set for them. I know why this is. All were based on single subjects. My art, sewing, interests. All of which change, go through slow periods, or just abruptly stop. I have come up with a solution. I am going to write about me and everything in one blog.
The goal is not to rant or gloat. The need for people to know me is not in my character. I often wish to be behind the curtain. Mainly because I don’t want for people to see me fail. Like many of my peers I have developed a mask. Hiding so nobody can see my failure.
In turn the opposite has seemed to occur. The failures to large to hide glow out openly for everyone to see. While what small glory I have found has been stunted by my fear to fail.
First off, I am making attempts to ratify this. However slow it may seem. I have been getting rid of all the “things” I don’t need. Cloths, junk, trinkets. Things that I have held onto so I could remember things. I have to force myself to know if something is important enough to remember I don’t need an object to remind me. I am cleaning my home of the old. So that the new me has a place she feels happy in. Not trapped.
Secondly, I’ve been working on my health and appearance. I’ve been working out much more often then I had, a lot less often then I’d like. That however is part of the journey I wish to share. I recently went and got the tattoos I have wanted for so long I can’t remember when the first thought of them came about. I had been scared because others told me I would hate them some day. That they hurt to get. Even that it would be hard to find a good long-term partner because how people see people with tattoos.
I say to hell with that. The truth is when I found my long term partner tattoos didn’t mean crap to him. Because someone who really loves you is going to love you for you. He loves my tattoos because what they mean to me. He would love me with or without them.
That is part of what got me thinking. If people said these things and they weren’t true, what else have I thought was fact may truly be fiction. I may be behind on the concept, but I have realized that these fears were the fears belonging people. Fears of people who didn’t want something for me because they feared those things for themselves. I don’t wish to live by other people’s fear.
Thirdly, I need to work on my education. I missed something along the way. There are basic lessons that have completely bypassed. One of which is grammar. So if you see something that is just off, post the correction in the response. I won’t be offended.
I think the reason I am doing this as a blog is so that I might help others. I might be able to stop fearing failure and truly work though it and get to the other side.